Hi, my husband is prone to angry outbursts. Just this weekend he and I were reading while listening to some music. He appeared to be falling asleep in his chair, book on his lap, eyes closed. The reading light was a bit bright for me so I turned on another light and switch off that one. He groaned a bit when I did it, but I really didn’t think very much of it. I sat back down and continued ready and then he woke up, starting grumbling and SLAMMED his book on the end table (with a glass top) and grumbled all the way to the bedroom SLAMMED the door, went to sleep and that was it.
Now a bit of history, he has done this before, we were on vacation in Myrtle Beach SC with family (Golf vacation) and were sharing a 2 bdrm condo with his mom. We went shopping (the 3 of us) to a mall. He was driving and I inadvertently told him to turn at the wrong place. It was an on ramp (the roads in MB can be a bit deceiving) so we ended up on the highway – we had a Garmin GPS that was acting a bit flaky – his mom said, "Oh well we will go for a bit of a drive" He started mumbling and getting moody. I apologized and starting feeling like I always do when these moods strike, scared, shaky, off. Finally we got back to our destination and starting looking for the store I wanted to go to.. When I said I wasn’t quite sure where it was (the last time I had been there was a full year ago) He mumbled to me "I’ve had enough of this" – walked off and left me with his mom. Needless to say I started shaking and crying in front of his mom.
I guess I should have always known better. He once put his face a few inches from mine and yelled at me to F*** off. It was some time ago, I don’t remember what triggered it. When I needed to have surgery, he once suggested that I ask my friend to drop me off at the hospital, when I looked at him in disbelief and said "Are you kidding me?" He changed his line, and the next time we discussed it, he claims he never said it, that I misunderstood.
Now PLEASE understand, I am not trying to portray him as an evil person. Just stating the instances and the issues surrounding them when they happened.
In the last month, the Myrtle Beach incident, the book slamming incident and the following occured: AFC/NFC championship weekend – I asked him about a football ruling during the game.. I think I asked two questions. From the tone of his voice (answering the second question) I said "should I just not bother you" Well, he fixed me with a look with his eye and said "I’m trying to watch the game here" while pointing to the TV. Funny thing, his son (28) came over to watch the game and have supper (that I made). He son asked him questions and spoke to him during the game. Not One Problem with that.
I walk on eggshells, I never know what might trigger a response and I am now when I find him doing something to me that, if I did it to him, would promote an angry outburst I make a point of saying "If I did that to you I’d catch hell breaking loose" Usually there isn’t much of a response.
I told him what he is doing is verbal abuse – made him pause for bit (this was a while back) and (in more recent times) he claims he decided that he wanted to change that. No change however, no matter how much he may think so, after all 3 issues in the span of three months doesn’t mean much change to me.
Understand, this is not a daily thing. He is also emotionally unavailable, anything I would like to do ie go see The Tragically Hip, his answer is "I’m not interested in doing that" – His stock answer for things he doesn’t want to do.
This latest weekends episode (book slamming) happened Saturday, I should mention that I broke Saturday night after he stormed off to bed. I shouted, You have no right, what ******* behaviour, who the hell do you think you are etc..
I couldn’t help it (straw and the camel’s back, after all) Sunday – we didn’t speak at all, hell I was barely able to look at him. I don’t know what will happen tonight when I get home. If I don’t make the effort to speak to him, it could develope into another situation where he turns it into being my fault. "Are you going to talk to me or what???" situation. I’m always the heavy, I’m always in the wrong, I’m building resentment for being treated like a crap receiver. I can’t let it go and for the last month have been personally gauging my own feelings (I mean, I sit on the couch and picture him not being there. I alone) I’m trying to figure out what to do. I’ve spoken to doctors (I suggested he get help – 100% he will not). I’ve told him exactly how I feel, explained it calmly in the past, what I will/will not accept.
Everyone outside my world with him thinks he is wonderful, a great guy. Please help me, ask any question, I need to make a decision here and I want to cover all possible lines of though, maybe I’m not seeing something. I do love him very much, but I won’t subject myself to being a victim. I do believe that no one out there is perfect, hell
I do apologize for the length of this. A couple of further details, he is 57, I am 42. I know there is an age span here but it never concerned me because I never wanted children and his were already grown and on their own. We really are only common-law. Both been married before and I never really considered marrying again. Money isn’t an issue (I’ve got a decent job). I’ve suggested more than once that he needs therapy, anger mgmt. He won’t go – doesn’t believe in it.
I’ve tried talking, what I will/won’t accept. I guess my main situation is I look at the pros and cons (the old list thing) – There is good stuff – just not sure the good stuff is worth it. I guess – If you really love someone, when is it enough?
If you’ve got no kids with him… I’d simply serve the man with divorce papers. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells.
It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks about him. It matters what you think.
Everyone has bad days… and it doesn’t sound like his outbursts have been that terrible–but it does sound like he is incredibly disrespectful of you… I myself would not be able to tolerate that.
If he’s got a 28 year old son…I’m assuming he is not a young man–though I’ve got no clue how old you yourself are and whether you were thinking of having a family with this husband of yours… but I would not be able to live with a guy like this… I’d be out the door. He sounds unwilling to change or even recognize and own that his behavior pains you.
You are right–nobody is perfect, but this guy sounds like his behavior is perfectly awful and unacceptable. That’s too big a price to pay, if you ask me.
too long… but hey, at least you had your rant!
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I wouldn’t put up with that. I’d throw his ass out and he would know better than to piss me off.
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he needs to see a psychiatrist for some medication, and a therapist for this. if he cannot help him self, and see he’s hurting you, i would divorce him. but if he never seeks help, he is doomed! my x has a similar problem and he wont get help, we are still friends but i can barely stand to be around him sometimes. he will probably be single for the rest of his life. this behavior is very undesirable.
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Confront him. It will make him angry, so make sure you do this when he’s feeling either calm or too tired to get extremely angry (but not so tired that he’ll overreact due to being overtired.)
Since he denied the comment he made about driving you to the hospital, he is ashamed of his behaviour, so maybe he will want to change, too.
Make sure he knows that you love him, but you cannot let this go on. Give him a list of suggestions, and tell him that he should pick the one he prefers, as that will make him feel as though he does have some input in the situation, because he does. You cannot fix this problem without his help and his commitment.
Here are some things you could suggest:
Anger management. If it makes him feel better, tell him that you will come with him to the first few sessions so he knows you support him.
A counsellor. Again, either he could go alone or the two of you could go together (note: it doesn’t have to be a marriage counsellor, because if you love him so much, your marriage doesn’t seem to be in jeopardy so that’s unnecessary)
When he’s angry, you’ll simply just walk away and ignore him until he apologizes. Or maybe you’ll make a buzzer noise every time he tries to speak in an angry tone. It will annoy him and aggravate him, but you won’t stop doing it until he apologizes. It’s called aversion training, it’s most common in animals but it works with people to (you may not want to mention that part as it may make him feel like an untrained puppy, haha)
I hope I helped!
-xoxo Alice
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If you’ve got no kids with him… I’d simply serve the man with divorce papers. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells.
It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks about him. It matters what you think.
Everyone has bad days… and it doesn’t sound like his outbursts have been that terrible–but it does sound like he is incredibly disrespectful of you… I myself would not be able to tolerate that.
If he’s got a 28 year old son…I’m assuming he is not a young man–though I’ve got no clue how old you yourself are and whether you were thinking of having a family with this husband of yours… but I would not be able to live with a guy like this… I’d be out the door. He sounds unwilling to change or even recognize and own that his behavior pains you.
You are right–nobody is perfect, but this guy sounds like his behavior is perfectly awful and unacceptable. That’s too big a price to pay, if you ask me.
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Wow I really hope he can learn to express his frustrations in a better way because that’ sort of negativity is not needed. My bf use to do the same thing to me, he would get close to my face and curse or yell at me. I’m not sure about your situation but with me, I have a child with him and we live together.
I sat down with him and discussed his immature behavior and I told him, we’re stuck living with eachother right because we share the apartment, let’s try to avoid negative energy and live in some sort of peace. If you get frustrated try to tell me what i’ve done wrong and explain to me what I did with examples! He would always blame me without explaining properly why and I never understood it.
So after that we had a few more moments but he became less and less aggressive and now he doesn’t do outbursts like that anymore.
If you don’t have kids, if you’re not stuck living with him and can move out or don’t live with him.. by all means…. GIVE HIM A WARNING AND IF HE DOES IT AGAIN BREAK UP WITH HIM! If I wasn’t so stuck I would have just broken up with my bf! You don’t deserve that treatment and the last thing you need is for him to get to the point where he hits you and your only choice is to run away to a shelter.
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Maybe your husband needs to go get counseling for anger management. If he goes to see a psychiatrists maybe he or she will be able to diagnose the problem, maybe he’s bipolar or is suffering from depression that could be causing these outbreaks. I personally suffer from major mood swings and I can be pretty nasty towards my husband and with counseling and medication its getting much better.
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signs of an abuser, seek professional intervention..
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Walking on eggshells – what a horrible feeling. I can imagine being there without him too! People divorce for far less, you have very valid grounds. Mental cruelty being very apparent. You do not say how old you are but however old you only have one life so as he will not listen to any reasoning , I would go! Eventualy he may see his faults – I say maybe!
Only you could decide how much tolerance you have.
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Waited a long time for changes myself – 10yrs+
I feel your pain. But you are doing nothing wrong – it is him, his behaviour and his attitude that he can say anything or do anything rude to you without thoughts for your feelings.
He will continue…it will get worse – unless he sees he has a problem and gets professional help.
Nice to the outside world, mean to the one he should love the most. That sounds so familiar.
Up until yesterday, I have been going through that with my partner constantly. It got worse, the name calling and rude behaviour got worse. It’s a real shame someone has to destroy what could be a good relationship with his wife/partner.
I am now in an apartment away from it all. Despite his horrible treatment of me and lack of respect for me, can you believe I still miss him so?
It won’t be easy for you to make a decision but please don’t fool yourself into thinking it will magically stop if only you do the right thing….he will get worse now that he uses such anger as an outlet instead of dealing with it in the right ways.
I hope you find a support system or read a book about such anger. I’m reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout – a book I truly believe is about my partner.
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Abusers ALWAYS make their victims feel things are their fault.
Call 800.799.SAFE Nat’l Domestic Violence Hotlien; they can help you put things in perspective
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